In an age of news so instant it hits your smartphone before it’s even happened yet, you’re surely aware that this year’s Oscar nominations were announced yesterday.

Usual suspects abounded, with few surprises.

So, in a bid to stir some debate, here are my suggestions about which movies and actors should have made the cut.

BEST PICTURE

‘Rogue One: A Star Wars Story’

At last!

The dark and gritty depiction of war the true fans had always dreamed of seeing in a made-up space fairy-tale universe for children.

Next stop: Chewie dying face down in the mud, and Luke voyaging into the heart of darkness to liquidate a Yoda gone mad.  

BEST DIRECTOR

Bryan Singer – ‘X-Men: Apocalypse’

Singer brought the cartoon fun with a capital “WTF” in this sixth X-picture to snort all others.

It was shiny, it was rubbery, it was erogenous – it was like an afternoon spent in the bubble bath with the ‘Deep Space Nine’ boxset and a gallon of Lambrini for company.

Pass the tranquilisers, I need to calm down!

BEST ACTOR

Ben Affleck – ‘Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice’

Affleck really got under the skin of this iconic role as only Christian Bale, Michael Keaton, Adam West, Val Kilmer, Lewis Wilson and George Clooney have before him.

He was moody, he was magnificent – whether fighting crime, or deciding if he should release the tension in his solemnly modernist swamp shoebox, possibly with Jeremy Irons’ Alfred watching. 

BEST ACTRESS

Scarlett Johansson – ‘Hail, Caesar!’

A glorious throwback to a Hollywood golden age when every movie boasted its own galaxy of superstars – all mugging and hoofing to distract the audience from their wretched little lives.

Of an infamous all-star cast, Ms Johansson was the perfect pick – her chemistry with Jonah Hill kindled the fires of hope in glandular males everywhere.

BEST SCREENPLAY

Derek Cianfrance – ‘The Light Between Oceans’ 

“What happens to them now?”

“They go to jail.”

“For how long?”

“Long enough to think about what they’ve done.”

Emotional dialogue packed with the palpable force of waves crashing against the shore – yet traced with the subtlety of a single last cornflake fluttering loose from the packet.

Somebody, please! Print out this script, seal its pages in formaldehyde, and put them on display in the Tate Modern.  

BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR

Chris Hemsworth – ‘Ghostbusters’

He made us roar with laughter, he made us shrink in terror – probably the most chameleonic switch from light to dark since Anthony Perkins in ‘Psycho’.

BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS

Female ensemble – ‘Everybody Wants Some!!’

A gaggle of great-looking gals putting all ego aside and allowing themselves to be the thankless condiment on this meaty sandwich of sporting machismo – enchanté, ladies!

Got some Oscars 2017 ideas of your own?

Then leave a comment!

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